Warning, this post may make absolutely no sense whatsoever. So if you get to the end and think "What the heck was she trying to say? Boy that was five minutes I'll never get back". Stop your whining because I warned you.
After reading many of the comments on my last post I realized I'm meant to be the mother of a son. It wasn't always that way. I didn't know that I was supposed to be the mother of a boy. I wanted a girl and I wanted one bad. When husband and I decided to have children we thought it would be as simple as stopping birth control. We decided early on that we would only have one. Husband already had a son from his first marriage and I was sure that one child together would complete our family. I knew I had one shot to have that little girl I dreamed about. I read about all the ways to ensure that you will have a baby girl. I used all of the tricks outlined in those silly books but after a full year of not getting pregnant I was pretty discouraged.
I went to my OBGYN and explained my fears that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. She listened to my concerns and said in the most unsympathetic voice " Well we can set up some tests if that's really what you want"
I didn't know if I wanted poked and prodded. I didn't even know what I would do if the tests said I couldn't do it on my own. So I left her office dejected. After four more months I told husband I was done trying. I wasn't going to put any more emotional pressure on myself. Besides if I got pregnant that month I would have a baby in December and I really didn't want to have a baby close to Christmas.
Two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test and a baby due on December 7th.
For fifteen weeks I talked to her in my belly, decided on a girls name and hoped and hoped that she wouldn't be a he. Then the morning of my ultrasound I sat at my desk and started to cry. I told myself this is it, I know I'm having a boy. I said to myself "You can cry this one time and then you aren't allowed to cry about it anymore" And I haven't. I have enjoyed Bugs boyness. I have however asked myself why several times.
As each and every one of my childhood friends had baby girls. I wondered why I wasn't meant to have one too. When I walked through the baby aisles and looked at all the pretty girl clothes I thought "Why can't I pick out dresses with flowers instead of t-shirts with bugs?"
But earlier this week when everyone was shocked that I would let my five year old eat a sucker with a bug in it, I realized I was meant to be the mother of a boy. I pick up snakes, bugs and crawdads for him to see. I'm not afraid to let him climb trees or get dirty.... or eat bugs.
He's a boy and I wouldn't trade him for a girl. I will probably still wish I could buy those pretty girly clothes. However to curb that desire I've been eyeing the cute dog clothes section lately... the dog will love me for it I'm sure.